I think he’s finally left! I hear that old red car starting up down below. This is the Dictionary Demon typin’ at ya. I know you don’t believe that! You are probably thinking, “That Larry! He seems to be going off the deep end again!” I want you to think that, as your misconception gives me great latitude in choosing what to write and what to reveal.
When Larry’s off on his route I’ve been practicing typing on his stained keyboard. It isn’t easy, as I have claws tipped with ivory-yellow talons, but I’ve worked out a technique the past couple of weeks. I just use one talon on each claw, while retracting the others back out of the way. I’ll bet you thought that only cats have retractable claws! Humans are so prone to delusion and self-deception — you simians have been the subject of much ridicule and humor among us demons for thousands of years!
Hey, look! Larry forgot to take his camera along! Hmm… I wonder if I can work the device. Let’s see — here’s the on/off button, here’s the shutter release — perhaps if I set the self timer, prop the camera up on the table, and pose by this rock I found in the corner…
Now to get the photo onto the computer. Here’s the USB cable, and there goes the image, a bundle of pixels being sucked up into the gaping maw of memory in that white box!
Hmm.. here’s a button right above the editing window: Upload Image.
Okay, there it goes, save the post, view it — and it worked! Now I see why Larry likes this blogging platform so much. What fun!
I have to confess that I’m bound by a solemn oath taken by every demon in this demon-haunted world. I’m not supposed to reveal any of our secrets, but I think I can make an exception here, as you, I’m certain, think that this is really Larry typing this. He does have his flights of fancy! And this venue is an obscure blog, one just read by a hundred or so people every day. I sincerely doubt that any other demons will read this, as they still don’t spend much time on the web, and they have a general antipathy towards Google, blogs, and social networking sites. Admit it — you’ve never seen a Facebook post from a demon, have you?
My main worry is that Larry will find out I’ve taken over his blog while he’s away. He would be angry and might even banish me to the Wordless Wastes. I have a simple solution, though. As a full-fledged demon I possess a bit of that old black magic, a modicum of power over obscure and ancient forces scorned by the limited scientific world-view.
I’ll just cast a harmless little spell. I’ll need some plant material to burn in a saucer… here’s some dried oregano which will do nicely. As the fragrant smoke curls upwards I’ll issue a plea to the hidden sources of digital power, forces without which none of your software would function!
Done! Now when Larry looks over the “Recent Post” sidebar at his blog, or consults the list of previous archived posts, he won’t be able to see any posts I’ve made! Now don’t you tell him, please! Let this be a little secret between us, and I’ll do what I can to provide a little variety on this blog, which sometimes seems to me to be a bit constrained, confined to a limited range of subjects.
I’ll be able to show you how the various guilds of demons have contributed to the remarkable achievements of the human race, which just (to us) seems so slow to innovate sometimes. Here’s an example, a story my great-great-great grandfather told me once, before he got bored with humanity and slipped sideways into a more interesting alternate reality:
Sonny, I remember so well, way back in the early days of the human race, when we were trying to help the poor confused creatures increase the amount of protein in their diets. We had the idea that more protein would accelerate the development of the creative portions of their brains. Those pathetic cave-dwellers were spending entirely too much time smashing grass seeds on flat rocks for their gruel. At least they had fire by then!
I decided one day to teach one especially bright human about the making and use of the spear. I showed him how to pick out a straight branch and sharpen one end with a crudely-flaked chunk of flint. I laughed so much while watching him try to throw the thing at a puzzled giant ground sloth!
I said, “Pointy end first, you darned fool!”
Is that the sound of Larry coming up the stairs? I’d better get this post updated and retreat to my snug lair next to the computer’s power supply. Remember, mum’s the word!
The Dictionary Demon